So so, I�ve been slacking, I know it..... And I have had a lot of things I was thinking about too, and now I need to backtrack a little to share...
In my last diary entry- I mentioned Stephen and how I had gone out on my third and fourth date with him. (And nothing had really happened.) Well since that day- we went out on our fifth and sixth date� let me paraphrase here�. (Still nothing has really happened-physically)
Two weekends ago was our last official date,,,, we went out to an Italian restaurant and it was pouring rain outside.... We came back to his house and laid on the couch, but the poor guy was soo tired from working a double shift at work that he was falling asleep when he was cuddling with me... He said he was soo tired asked me if I wanted to go to bed with him( to sleep) When the lights got turned off and we were lying there together... I got the courage to say to him...�hey- do you want me to lick you?� and he was like �oh yeah�- and I could hear the want in his voice...
�Soo what�s the deal,, are you physically scared of me- ?� and he chuckled and replied �no- why do you say that....� I whispered to him � Well- its not that I think you are weird or anything.. - most of the time I can tell if someone likes me or is attracted to me... and with you...well- I have a hard time reading you.... It makes me think that you think I am ugly or dumb.� and he said �oh- no way- I think you are cute, and in NO way do I find you to be a dumb girl -why do you think that?�
And I said �well- because you haven�t tried to- you know do anything physical with me...Its as thought you don�t find me attractive...� So he said.. Well you know the last week or so I was so sick with that bad cold,, that I wasn�t really in my top form� So he laughed and said �well-what about right now� and I said... �Well this is a bad week for me-� haha
I ended up giving him a BJ- and afterward he kept telling me how good it felt- and kept thanking me,, and asking me if I was OK... ( he was concerned that I was feeling left out or IGNORED;) so I told him� I really like doing that- WELL- I just want to make you feel good�
So this last week on Thursday, he told he that he was going to be away for the whole weekend snowboarding in northern California with his roommate. I told him that I was bummed out- because now I would go with out seeing him for virtually 2 weeks. He paused and said� well I want to tell you something, but you might just think I am being Sensitive or sweet� So I mumbled �HUH? I don�t understand� and he said� well- I haven�t really told you too much about my last relationship, but It basically got to the point where we were spending every waking moment together,, and I�m just not sure if I want to be in a relationship like that anymore- I mean she gave me a guilt trip every time I would want to be with my friends instead of her.�
I told him that I�m not really like that in a relationship, and neither he nor I really have time for that much contact (with our work schedules)
So he said to me...�I just don�t want to lead you on� Even though he revealed that, I respect him for his honesty and I was glad that he was opening up. I�m also glad he�s just not out for a piece of ass.... I�m still pissed off though, and I know that am taking the whole thing personally.
Part of me says.. �Hey- if he didn�t like you, he wouldn�t bother still taking you out if all he wanted was a piece of ass�� And the other DEVIL part of me says� he doesn�t think your ass is really cute enough for him- and he doesn�t want you�
I just want him to see me as someone that he would be willing to get to know better and take a chance with..... and I still don�t know if I am wasting my time here... I haven�t called him up this week because I�m trying to give him his space.. If that�s what he wants- I will show him that I am not clingy.
So what�s the deal? Why cant I just be cool with the truth and not take this so personally? It�s making me feel so ugly and unwanted....
Of course I will keep you informed�

Oh on another note.. I got some Botox yesterday and I got my lips done again with Hylaform.. 8 shots in my forehead and 20 in my lips...I am looking sooo Fabulous.... Well yesterday I was soo Angelina Jolie.. but today I am only a little bruised on my top lip and looking soo pouty.. I am happier with it this time than I was last time....
I wanna kiss the world...

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