Hello Diary,
As usual nothing too earth shattering has been going on here,,, I ended up not taking vacation (leave) for new years eve, because # 1.) I didn�t have any plans, and #2.) There�s not much work going on to take vacation from.
I had mentioned that my Friend Cooper had invited me to go to the New Years Eve party, but I didn�t go because as it turns out its been raining here a lot,, well so much that it was flooding actually. And he wasn�t going to the party either. So that meant I wouldn�t know ANYONE there. So being home baking brownies and eating them warm actually sounded a lot better. Nummy numm.

I mentioned James before in a previous entry�.James is the guy who I met when Rob Ends up taking drunk ex girlfriend home in a cab. I was standing there alone in the club and I turn and catch someone looking at me- and i smile back at him.
James ended up asking me to dance and I say� sure Id love to!� and we all walk off together I ended up having a great night laughing, dancing and talking to all his guy friends.
James turned out to be a really nice guy- I�ve been pretty surprised that he still calls me almost everyday. (especially when you hook up with people from out of town- these always that chance that you will never see them again. )
When he calls me and I don�t pick up the phone or something.. He leaves me these incredible sweet messages. Like- � Hey my love, this is James, I just wanted to wish you a happy new years.. Take care-�
I think it is incredible cute that he says �MY LOVE� every time he calls� I don�t know, it just reminds me of having real love in my life, and the excitement surrounding all of that.
He lives in Quantico Virginia, and since I am here in Calif- It makes it hard for any kind of real dating� but there�s that hope I could see him again. Especially since the President of the United States travels a lot, he might get back out here to visit. He�s invited me to go back out east to visit him so we will see.

Now about Jared, HMMM�. He is my EX boyfriend/ fiancee� from a few years ago. He is mentioned a few times in this diary, but its been a while back. He left San Diego and moved to Florida when he got out of the NAVY in August. And he called me last night.
He kept asking me all these questions like; �do you remember 2 years ago when I got back from the war off of deployment and you came to visit me?� and I said �umm yeah� and he said� I want to ask you something personal- Is there any particular reason why you wore that short skirt that day?�

(Now- I don�t really even remember� I probably wore it because I thought my legs looked hot in it!� I don�t know- its been 2 years !)

But I simply said � I don�t know Jared- I probably wore it because I felt like I looked good in it and I felt very confident in it- but if the answer you are looking for is �I WORE A SKIRT FOR EASIER ACESS- then - that�s not it�
But I just think its weird that he would spend 2 years thinking about me in that skirt� Guys are weird�He was reading way too much into it.

So on the phone he�s still asking me if I still think about him, ETC�. And I could tell he had this bedroom voice on�he told me that he wanted me to go into my room and lock my door, so we could have some phone sex. (we used to do this all the time when he was away) And he told me that he wanted me to tell him that I still loved him� and he wanted to know if he ever came back to San Diego, would I still sleep with him and keep it our little secret-
(TRUTHFULLY I said sure, because right now I am not with anyone in a relationship and I am free to do whatever I want. But HE has a girlfriend)
The phone conversations are hott.. But that�s just it.. I know its not real, and all the things he�s saying to me on the phone are just pretend. He doesn�t love me, doesn�t want to be with me� and I�m sure I will never see him again.
I think the reason he calls me on the phone is to boost his own ego, and to re-assure himself that our relationship was really true, and we were really in love a long time ago. I think he needs that to move on in his own relationships now. He needs to sort out in his mind that what we had was real, and compare our PAST to what is going on in his life now.
I don�t know if I can keep talking to him though because it keeps ME from moving on�.

The whole thing just leaves me feeling really lonely for my own love and my own relationship again. I want MY OWN cuddle buddy and all of that. When James calls and he says �MY LOVE� every time, it gives me hope that I�ve got a little taste of that everyday.. Someone thinking about just me�.
And maybe that�s what the 2005 new year will bring for me�!

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