Im tired - but i am doing a short update since im xhausted.

well after i updated my diary yesterday i went and stopped by Allie's house to bitch about my boyfriend and hold baby Jack. I mostly just whined a lot- "what am i supposed to do now- "and laugh my problems off.

So I get home last night and there is an email from Sam... basically he didnt tell me they werent coming back at the end of summer was because he "was stressed out -he knew that telling me he wasnt coming home was going to make me sad- and wanted all of our phone conversations to go perfectly."

The scariest thing is that he said he's been drinking so much since he's been gone on deployment- I feel like i dont know who he is anymore. He said" I just can't explain how miserable I am.. he also said" I don't even feel like the same person that I was last year."

This whole thing has just got my head spinning! I feel like in a way this is a huge Warning flag for me that basically says " RUN!-- RUN! RUN the other way Arian! as fast as you can."

All i can think of is in some way I might be stressing him out , and Its all my fault.

He worked out and was healthy until we started dating. But 10 months later after weve been dating; he's drinking to forget.... But forget what?

Its so easy to figure that its just me. The person he was last year Is the person he was before dating me. Maybe i am too much to handle, and he wishes he didnt have a girlfriend because were never together and he wants a little bit of freedom to do what he wants if were so far apart.

If he doesnt want to be together then I wish he would say so. I think he doesnt want to be together after he gets out of the military- He kind of hinted at it the other day....so maybe we should just forget it.

I have come to the conclusion that the last thing he needs is to move in with someone and have to deal with the stress of living together. I never thought it was a bed of roses - but I thought he was more prepared for that. I guess we both arent ready.

I do feel bad about the rude comments i emailed him - but i was upset too. I emailed him back and said" I have been WASTING ALL THIS TIME! Now I have to start looking all over for something else. I guess its better that i just get an apartment by myself, because this whole thing must be too stressful for you. I guess i should have spending my free time drinking and partying instead."

I also said "I dont know what you want from me. and i cant figure it out either. Your a grown man - and you've always been able to take care of yourself. You dont need some stupid "old" lady to baby sit you."

(Thats just in reference to all the drinking he's been doing and the fact he called me "old" the other day.)

I feel like everything is falling apart. If he was close, then i could see into his eyes and maybe i could understand what is happening.

I mailed him a package as a surprise the other day, and he doesnt even know it yet.

I feel like a big failure. Whatever I AM as a girlfriend, its not working.. Im not good at it. I dont know why i even try. I really hope it isn't me holding him back from something and making him miserable.

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