Sam said we should get a place together when he gets back. I just get scared about stupid stuff, like what if things are going to be different if we live together, what if it doesn�t work out, what if Sam starts to hate me and my stupid habits.. I won�t be able to just leave his house and go back to mine anymore whenever I get mad. I guess I was just worried that he wasn't as worried about what might happen -as much as me, and somehow if he didn�t seem worried- then I figured he wasn't saying what he really felt and keeping it inside or something.

So yesterday morning- I finally got up the courage to say to Sam that I wanted to know if he thought that moving in together was serious, or if he had even given it enough thought to what might happen if it didn�t work out.

He basically said something like � well after I get out of the military I am going back to Texas and I am going to go to school and live off of my G.I. Bill. � I wasn�t really sure if that meant he knew we weren�t staying together� I�m just a worrier. I want everything to work out and I do feel better after I talked to him about it all. Sometimes stuff is really hard for me to bring up. I�m a chicken.

I�ve been telling Sam that I don�t want to be moving at the end of august when Hunter is just going back to school in a few weeks and I really hate moving anyway. I am really frustrated, because there�s a lot of choices in apartments and He just seems so passive about it lately that I am afraid he�s going to speak up later and say he would have preferred something else. That will really piss me off if that happens.

Well I went and looked at another apartment yesterday. It�s in point Loma where Sam�s twin brother lives. I guess I really need Sam to tell me which one he thinks we should get, and then go apply for that apartment. I guess I just wanted to make sure which apt. We had decided on before I went and put down a 30$ application fee. And I have been looking at apartments for a couple of weeks now. He told me that he really wants this apartment with a view of the Sea world fireworks- even though its 100$ more than the rest, he still really wants that one.

Well Last night he finally dropped the bomb and told me that the Capitan had kept pushing back the date for the ship to come back, and that it might not be until November. And he told me� that he was being irresponsible because he had known that fact for a while� and hadn�t wanted to tell me. �

Basically he �doesn�t want to have an apartment starting this summer and be tied to a lease when he�s not coming back for months.� He said � I know I should have told you already, but I figured that Eddy would tell you sooner or later that we weren�t coming home till Nov. and I knew you would find out- so I had to tell you now.� ( Eddy is my Guy-friend still on the ship.)I mean I understand not wanting to have to pay for somewhere you aren�t living - but he made it sound like he was coming back at the end of September, and he didn�t have a problem about getting apartment.

Well now I have a problem, because all the Apartments I have been looking at, I am not going to be able to afford by myself. So I should have been looking for an apartment that fit my needs- and budget instead of OUR needs.. So I have been WASTING ALL THIS TIME! Now I have to start looking all over for something else.

Well Duh- I wish he had told me that. Now I wouldn�t have wasted all this time looking for an apartment that he doesn�t want to move into and doesn�t want to pay for till November. I cant even begin to explain how pissed I am. I am so mad I don�t want to talk to him today. I was having a hard time going to sleep last night. I have much better things to do than waste my time looking at stupid apartments. And now I have to start looking all over.

I�m at the point where I don�t even want him to come home at the end of the month now. His leave being taken away has screwed up a lot of plans. I have to Work EVERY single weekend � because I already arranged to be able to work taking Wedding photos. I also have to work here at North Island, because I can�t take leave, I�m trying to finish my 5-year physical, and do the PRT, go to traffic school- plus I need to move. As you can see--- I really don�t have the time for a 3-week visit really. And I am so mad today because I feel like he deceived me (about when the ship is coming home) that I don�t really need him here, I don�t want him to come home, and I DON�T CARE.

Since he didn�t give me the courtesy of telling me the ships� plans- I am not going to bother to tell him that I am getting an apartment without him. He�s shit out of luck now. Basically I have no choice when it comes to moving� We have to be out by the end of August, and I can�t afford the places I have been looking at already. He doesn�t want to be tied to a lease- well that�s fine. He�s really not in the equation anymore as far as I am concerned. I only need to be worried about Hunter and myself and where we are going to live.

Im just really exasperated about the whole thing. He can find out on his own time- that he's going to have to find his own apartment by himself when he gets back. And he wont have his girlfriend to look for an apartment for him. HA! I will get over it- im just really mad today.

Oh im also mad at Sam because he told me there were only OLD Ladies working at Jack's; His favorite bar. ( I always tease him that he goes there to hang out with the hot young chicks) And i found out yesterday that there is a girl working there as old as me... 29 "Ree" That Brinton hooked up with. So Sam started laughing and saying that to him- we ARE old ladies... Not very funny- especially when im already mad at him. Im not sure if he didnt tell me that someone that worked there that was my age because he didnt want me to get jealous- because he's always hanging out there...or what.

I dont know what i am supposed to do now. I just dont feel like talking to him today because I might say something i regret later.

Sorry this is such a long entry-Im just really exasperated about the whole thing. I know he expects me to talk to him and ONLY him whenever i am mad... it just doesnt really work that way though. Especially when i need my Diary to talk to.

I will write you soon and give you an update- on what i decided to do...

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