When I was talking to Sam yesterday on the phone, I was upset about my anxiety and how it was making me not want to go anywhere or do anything. (I didnt go to the party-scaredy girl stayed home)But, I guess the phone cut off yesterday, The last thing I heard Sam say was �Oh Shit� and then there was a few seconds of Jazz music and the line went dead. It was kind of funny actually. Its ok because 30 seconds later my dad was at the door with hunter bringing him backfrom Utah. I would have had to get off the phone anyway.

Well Hunter and I just got home from Duty section muster, He just came with me and sat in the car. I guess they had a good time on the trip to Utah. My Dad even let them ride 2 roller coasters on the way back from Utah in Vegas. That�s surprising because my dad always talks so much shit about Vegas and how it is "sin city". I guess he is getting soft.

Hunter bought me a gray Siberian husky stuffed animal. Its the softest one ive ever had. I guess his name is "slush" Kind of funny.

I was feeling bad this morning about telling Sam that i didn�t think i could stand going to Japan. Its hard to explain why but ---How do i put this? I guess I was mostly feeling bad about the fact that - As much as i am afraid to go- Everything isn't always about me, and my needs. I know Sam is lonely and bored over there. I know he needs some lovin. I know its hard. Maybe he needs me there to be there for him , more than I need to stay here for me and my anxiety. I don�t know,, does that make any sense? I will think about it. I guess I just feel like I don�t deserve to go anyway.

Anyway I am feeling bad. I knew Sammy would be disappointed. Maybe even a little pissed.

What I didn�t say before, Because i have a hard time understanding, is basically I feel REALLY fat and ugly and that�s why I never want to leave the house. I know ive lost like 7 pounds but that doesn�t make any sense. It doesn�t make any sense to you, I know. But it makes me crazy. Its taking over my whole life. I�m just feeling like I don�t want anybody to see me. I was thinking that I especially don�t want Sam to see me. I know I just sound crazy to everyone. I Say it out loud and i Know its ridiculous! It makes me laugh how silly i am sometimes. Maybe I need to take my meds again. The ones that make me all nauseated and not interested in sex. At least after taking them for a week I feel like my eyes can see through the Fog again, and suddenly everything will be clear again. Besides who needs to be horny anyway when the man is out of town? haha

Actually that�s what I�m going to do. Take one as soon as I get off the computer with this . Maybe then I can change back into the Normal arian again� Hunter is being a pest about playing the SIMS on the computer anyway.

Probably Hunter and I are going to the pool later and we can get matching sunburns too.

I called Rach's house and Rob was acting funny. He told me that Rach was resting, and he would have her call me later. At 10am that seemed kind of early to be napping and weird. My first instinct was that Rach was mad at me for not going. Then I heard from Rach today on her drive down to San diego. Apparently Her sister Allie (allison) got in a huge fight with her husband nick last night after the party and he shoved her down on the bed while she was holding the baby, and they both went flying. Jack is like 3 months! Then he was on top of her and told her he was going to kill her and either smaked her or punched her. This whole time the 2 year old Hailey was screaming "no daddy- no hit mommy!" I am so mad.

He just kept saying ,, " i could just kill you right now, I could kill both of us." and apparently was going to get the gun out. She got him to go outside and cool off and thats when she locked herself in the kids room, and put both of them in the crib and called her mom and dad who was a couple blocks away at the catering kitchen, and told her Nick was losing it, and flipping out.

The neighbors even came over because they wanted to know if they should call the cops. Suzie and Brian came home told him to get out and told nick never to come back. after he left -then Allie told her parents Nick hit her, Then they called his parents and told them everything. Apparently Nicks parents revealed just now, after almost 3 years of marriage, that he is manic depressive and violent and was taking meds for this as a child.

I have no idea whats going to happen. I just hope that she doesnt want to go back to him. Rach and Rob were going over there today to make sure Allie wasnt at home all alone today because her mom has a wedding today. and they didnt know if nick was going to show back up.Now i know why Rob was acting all funny on the phone. He didnt want to spill all this drama to me. Better let the family do it...

I am so mad. I'm going over there tomorrow to talk to allie. She told me to give her a call today, but that was before all this.

I hope everyone had an uneventful weekend!

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