Yesterday I had the day off and I went to the photographer�s studio to drop off the negatives I have from a wedding I did a month ago. The bride Teri liked the pictures I took and apparently one of her favorite photos was the one I took. It was of the couple looking off into the distance with a palm tree in the background. (Keep in mind that I was the second photographer and I�m no professional.) When Teri showed up, she said that another one I took of them looking at each other and holding hands right before they descended down the stairs outside the church, when everyone was blowing bubbles was another favorite of hers. I�m glad she liked it. It makes me feel better about the whole picture incident. I was feeling a little overwhelmed about my skills as a photographer.

Yesterday I went to TOYS R US and bought a little bike for Gavin�s first birthday. It converts from a bike with a rocking chair base to a regular pedaling bike when the kid gets a little older.

I�m sitting here alone at work right now, and so far there have been no reservists coming here yet. And that�s the whole reason why were here. Nobody has even come by for a pen or a roll of tape. Whatever.. The day here is obviously going to go on forever. Or feel like it anyway.

I'm supposed to go to Gavin's birthday today, but I keep thinking that I might just give the present to Rach's mom to take up there, to Oceanside. I just don�t know if I can face being around people today.... I'm just going to tell them I cant get out of work or something. I'm just totally freaked out about thinking I have to be around people. I just want to stay at home and be by myself. My phobia of being around people is SO bad today. I guess sometimes having to drive somewhere that I have never driven a lot is sort of putting it over the top today. I feel so trapped in this one route, that I cant drive somewhere out of my usual path. That, and combining this with social anxiety that I have is making it impossible.

Yesterday I talked to Sam on the phone and he talked about maybe having me come up to Japan for a week in the middle of June.

I was just thinking since I talked to him yesterday that maybe I shouldn't come to Japan after all. I feel like I am too stuck in my little "sickness" right now to be around other people. I just don�t think I can stop doing all of my" bulimia" even for a week and its going to drive me crazy. I'm just too stuck in this cycle I have created for myself.

I'm feeling so bad and trapped. I just don�t feel like I can do it. I don�t want him to waste his money anyway. He�s going to be so sad when he gets my email. I hope he�s not upset.

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