Today i'm going to go to the big sending off party for all my friends who are leaving the san diego area. Were going out to a italian place called Boca de something, and we have reservations at the Comedy Store to watch an improv show. Its so sad. were all going in different directions. At my new job im going to be the only girl there, so its unlikely I will make any new friends.

Petra called me yesterday and said, " Is Sam going? because YOU are going to be the only one there without a date." I havent even told him that we got him a ticket for the comedy thing anyway. I want him to go because he wants to. He said yesterday " stop trying to give me a guilt trip about not going." and I said, " I dont want you to go now anyway, you'll be a butthead and ruin the whole night for everyone"

And of course Sam AKA TheBoyfriend wont go. He makes a thousand excuses why he doesn't want to and everytime I think about it I get more and more pissed off. He didnt want to be the only white guy there, but Fran is bringing someone thats white so THAT excuse is out the door. Yesterday I was thinking that if this kind of thing keeps happening, him and I arent going to be together much longer. PERIOD. I dont have a boyfriend so that I can still be alone all the time. But thats what keeps happening.

I keep picking guys that this keeps happening to me. My ex boyfriend Chad used to promise me he was going to be my date, like Rachael's wedding, and like my sister Aubrie's wedding. At the last miniute he would back out. Like 24 hours before. At Rach's wedding it hit me very hard that when I looked at the empty seat next to me- its like I have a permanent empty saved seat wherever I go. Its like someone is spelling out for me that im always going to be alone. Figuatively and Physically.

The thing is, I HAVE explained to Sam how important it is to me. Ive explained how it makes me feel so alone. Ive TOLD him that I feel as though it shows how unimportant I am to him, and how unimportant my feelings are to him. It makes me THINK he doesnt care. But still he wont go.

Shit the more I think about it the more mad it makes me.

Its too bad too because he's a good boyfriend in all other areas. Too bad this kind of incident is making me want to let him go.

In other news I had bought myself a new bigscreen t.v and stereo surround system yesterday. Big purchases like this will make me real nervous, and it was setting me up to have a panic attack. I was feeling sick all day. So late last night after being mad at Sam for not coming to the party with me, we were at the grocery store and shopping. Petra called me while I was in the store and asked me to ask him to go again,and got me thinking about the whole thing again. So when we went through the line at the checkout we broke the whole register and it froze up, causing us to hold up the whole line, and we had to un-bag everything and Re- ring it on a different register.

This whole Day consisting of me buying big purchases + being mad at Sam + me feeling ugly and alone + thinking we werent going to be able to get groceries = full blown panic attack at the register.Sam's never seen me have one before. Haven't had one of those in a while. always fun.

Well wish me luck later- ill post pictures maybe....have a good weekend yall!

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