friday, and i knew today was going to be long....

first of all because Rob ended up calling me last night on watch and just when i figured we were done with each other, he flipped a 180 on me. i figure that he and i were through. He was talking about dirty stuff, and i was a little wierded out.. he usually doesnt joke about sex and stuff -and i figured since we werent having any, that i wouldnt joke about it anymore either.

He confesses that he's been horny and im like Oh i get it. I feel like some times he wants to ask me if i miss him only to get some kind of male ego boost, not because he cares.

So i tell him that i do miss him, and he asks me what im doing this weekend. so i tell him that the girls and i are going to Magic Mountain, and he was sad because he wanted to spend some time doing stuff together. I told him that i made plans because i didnt want to spend another wasted weekend at home alone.. and i had mentioned M M 4 days ago,but he had not been listening.

So he said "fine then im asking you to be my girlfriend again.." and i just hesitated and told him to stop messing around... and he asked me again and i said i dont know, and not to tease me because it wasnt nice. and then he said "you better say yes arian or i swear im going to come over and choke you!" (he was kidding)

So i said yes of course i would. then he wanted me to come over so i figured it was only about sex. but somehow i didnt care.. i just wanted him to hold me.

he told me to meet him at his house at like 2 when he got off watch. so i got over there at like 1:30 am and got in his bed. he got there at 2 and he got undressed and got into bed also. we started to kiss and he said "see i told you i would kiss you," and of course we started messing around,then he told me he was surprised that i even came over. i wish he understood how much i like him,with out feeling like im going to be shot down by revealing the truth. and yeah the sex was good! as a matter of fact i think it was one of the best times we have had yet.

so when we are done, he said "im in a cuddling mood.. come here and lay down with me..." and it felt so good to be back so close next to him again, and all i can think of is that i will do one wrong thing and he will leave me again, or that he still doesnt want me -just a piece of ass, but i didnt want to say anything to ruin it.. and he asked me if i was o.k, and i said yeah that i was just thinking.. and i finally said what i was really thinking, he just sighed, and i said i know we are both scared, and he said i know. and we fell asleep in each others arms.

I wish our relationship could just be, just exist with out such doubt.

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