I guess because i am not going to witness fireworks again this year, i will add another july 4 entry to somehow spell out whats on my mind..

One thing i did not add to my previous entry is how shitty i am feeling about my body..

For everyone out there with an eating disorder.. you all can completely understand how when someone makes a comment about your body... its like being flushed down an emotional toilet. I feel so worthless and slow.. i wish i could cry , but im too sad to care. And i wish i could sleep for 2 days and forget everything.. and then i would wake up 6 meals later and 3 pounds lighter....

Robert is a great guy ... dont get me wrong.. i just think he doesnt understand how joking around about my body ,, doesnt compute well in a disturbed brain... any comment good OR bad goes over like a fart in church... its NEVER appropriate.

Well Robert made some comment about "you are really bony down there..." my pelvis and tendons that connect my legs right to the "spot" are pretty prominent.. well then he goes "if only you could take some of this....." and attemts to squeeze my ass and push it around the sides and into the front .. in a mock attempt to fatten up my front side with some of my backside....

I KNOW...I KNOW... i hear all of the collective gasps from all the ED sufferers out there... this is what has made me just want to starve myself more.... ill show him a bony pelvis! oh and numerous comments about my nipples being big.....as if i didnt have enough to obsess about...

Also if anyone who isnt a older reader of this diary.... i had a complete tummy tuck last year....my stomach is pretty tight. ive had my nose fixed.... some botox between the eyes,,,and i got braces 2 months ago...oh and i only weigh 135 which is down 20 from last year at this same time... so i guess you can say i am "look obsessed."

Now i really am more focused on the whole breast issue... i guess now i will keep them more hidden.there like 2 great big hershey's kisses staring at you....it makes me feel as though i have some cow udders. im too ugly.

So here i sit in my emotional coma .. not having an invitation to go watch fireworks...realizing its my fault i look so bad ...and pondering my next body "FIX" wishing my flaws would go away...and drinking my water....

oh yeah and Robert promised me i would definetly have a date this year for the fourth... i guess im too easy to forget about.

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