well i wanted to convey my thoughts on loneliness. I feel very lonely. I could go out but i have hunter and hes being a little ass. i feel bad because todd went to the movies all by himself.and so did Chad's brother Ron.

Being underway gives me a lot of time to ponder loneliness and wallow in it.

I am convinced that i am lonely because of a few reasons the top few being that..

1. hunter..i cant get a weekend off from him now because apparently randy is living in a 1 bedroom with a chik and i feel bad that hunter has to sleep on the couch.so i bought him 2 new video games.

2. If i wasnt so damn ugly..enough said.(note to self **save more $$$ for plastic surgury.)

3.I really need to not be so weird.. personality wise..maybe id have more friends.instead of being a big nerd-o.

Im dreading going out to sea for so long.. it makes me feel very anti social and dirty being there all the time.. and more ugly than usual.

Talking to Ron last night for an hour was cool. hes a nice guy. plus when you have conversations out loud it really solidifies how real things are.. like the fact that i realized (well a few months ago really) that chad and i never had a relationship.Well always be friends but nothing more.i dont even really have a sexual attraction to him anymore, i just noticed recently..it was really odd because i used to think he had a lot.. oozing out..but it really vanished since last year...pure and simple as that. we never did anything..it was like the shortest relationship ever,, ive had sneezes that lasted longer.. and i dont need to get over him,, theres really nothing to get over because it didnt happen in the first place. It was just a hook up.and obviously there are other people that are playing a bigger role in his life.

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