well i bought an SUV yesterday.. very exciting...its a hundai santa fe ,, black with tinted windows. the best part is i got 0% financing.. it felt nice to treat myself..and my old car which i was still paying on was 12 % interest...and doesnt have as much sex appeal..haha. i cant wait to bust around town more in it!

well my old boyfriend jared still is popping up in my life..i basically wrote him 4 sentence paragraph to wish him a happy birthday and to tell him that i was sorry hes in the middle of the war..ad that i would give him a birthday blow job if he was here... just a note to make him smile..

so he writes back and tells me that being out in the ocean his head is clear of distractions and the only thing he cant figure out is me...and he wont let me ignore the fact we have feelings for each other..etc..we make sense...do i feel the same way...but at the same time he cant promise me anything...and god knows when hes coming back..october maybe.

any way i write him back and tell him i do love him still and always will have feelings etc. but im scared and i think we should do our own thing and see if we can hang out as friends..and either eat each other alive or F each others brains out.. we have a lot in common but we have such intense feelings for each other..and thats why its so volitaile.

and he keeps saying that he feels time running out and he doesnt want to see me slip away..but at the same time he cant promise me anything? im so confused. so i write at the bottom of my email...what am i supposed to do? what do you want from me?

well he ended up calling at 2 am ..which is about 1 pm tommorrow somewhere else in the world. it was so great to hear his voice. he sad he didnt actually know why he called..he could just email..and basically told me again he cant promise me anything.. well the end result is he told me that he loved me and i told him i loved him too..but we are both keeping our heads on straight.. and not jumping into anything..and we are on the same page it seems.. i think we can be friends at the very least and that will heal a lot of hurt.. it makes me feel better momentarily anyway..

it wont keep me from feeling ugly and wont keep me from wanting to lose 10 lbs before cody gets here in july.. i know i could do it so easily..i just gotta get psyco about hopping on that scale to shock my brain..and being underway next week will help..i wont have access to all the food unless i bring it..wish me luck! i want to be very small and fragile looking. i saw a special on mtv about a guy and a girl with ED anyway it was so weird to see a guys struggle..i guess it affects everyone the same..it is just that guys arent so emotional..and he was about being fat . i want to catch the whole show ..hopefully MTV will replay it incessantly like they always do.

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