well i was a dumb girl,, chad and i have been hanging out a lot lately and have had really deep conversations and i though i at least knew where this relationship was going....

well it wasnt until 5 miniutes after we slept together.. that he's like well i dont know if i can promise you anything.. and im like well i dont want you to promise me anything..i just dont want to be left out in the dark about your feelings..and the more he talked the madder i was getting.. i think i just emotionally shut it off. i figured that he would change as soon as he got some ass. i told him that "at this moment right now i have never felt more far away from you" and he was like "because of what i said ..?" and im like" um yeah"

Then he said "why is it whenever i get honest with some people i always get in trouble for being an ass.?"

I just should have known better he always does this to me... so today he was like are you mad at me? and im like "no, i knew this was going to happen so its not really a suprise, and its not really some Perry Mason moment where we just figured out that you were going to do and say what you always do." Then he said "oh thats real nice arian."

Well when i was giving him a ride home i was like really quiet.. so he was like ok so whats up? and i just started to get really emotional and he kept trying to defend himself by saying "i told you i couldnt promise you anything!" and im like "No you didnt promise me anything , im just a dumb chick with stupid girl feelings and im going to be all butt hurt because im dumb and got my hopes up.. "but dont worry about me i can take care of myself , you are not responsible for me ; i can take care of myself." and if i got my feelings hurt then its my problem.

I told him that we are at a point where we have known each other for five years and we are through casual dating and im sorry if i just assumed that he was going to put some effort into it and try. I asked him when is it going to be my turn. When do i get my chance..? 5 more years? its not fair..the only time you have wanted me is when ive been unavailable to you...and you are never going to want me till its too late..

So basically im left feeling stupid and so ugly right now.. i feel like the only unworthy person af a relationship. Im not the type of girl that anyone around me wants to keep.Im too fucking ugly.too fucking stupid. people only want to fuck me and thats it. im disposable.

let me go lose some more weight.

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