well hmm let me see what important stuff is going on...

oh yeah we got a definite date to go to westback or whatever they wanna call it on... its april 1st aprilfools day.. the only good part is that they are gonnna stop in hawaii and singapore so i can shop..

ive been to hawaii and im looking forward to singapore..never been there add that on to my list of places in the world ive been.. i love seeing new things .. it will make up for the fact that we dont know how long we are gonna be gone..

and that sucks some big sweaty balls.

and i told my sister that i would definitely be gone for her wedding and it seemed her big concern was the fact that now theres an uneven amount of bridesmaid to groomsmen ratio.

WHATEVER!!!??

oh on another note... not pregnant ... but still feeling unable to have a sexual relationship due to the fact i feel tainted or dirty from the attack in December.. so i went and scheduled a "girlie exam" to rule out anything..everything...whatever.

and its not like i think i have some disease or something....its just i cant move on from it until im sure i dont if that makes any sence...

on another note.. ive had this eating disorder for like ten years and now ive been reading other girls diarys about "ana" or ED as they call it.. and its so bad because i feel jealous about how totally taken over by it they are... and how skinny they are. i wish i wasnt a fat cow.. and of course they give me bad ideas of ways to lose wight.. and thats the whole reason i never watched sally jesse raphael when they had anorexics on or read books on how so and so is recovering from ana before because i knew it would. give me wicked ideas and make it worse..

ive never known anyone with an eating disorder and never read anything on it before which is so weird because im so totally immersed with my whole life in it...

oh i talked to Nate two days ago and we had great conversation,,,hes like 6" and tatooed and goatees.. how i like em. and anyway..we talked for like 2 hrs and at the end of the conversation he asks me out ..and then says well not like i didnt enjoy talking to you but im really not a phone person..which leaves me all nervous and feeling stupid like he didnt want to hear me running my mouth that long. so now im all nervous that i should shut up more.. and should i even go out with him..? the way we left it it was pretty obvious that the ball was in my court to call him and let him know i was free because my work week is so shitty and up in the air..

so now i have to pick up the phone and call someone who hates to be on it essentially. FUCK me why am i so nervous and retarded?

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